I Assure You, It's Perfectly Safe to Drink


A few weeks ago, I ran across a nice deal on bottled water. It was on sale for $1 per six-pack so I bought four, being El Cheapo. I brought it home and was very excited because I started drinking more water again trying to be fit and healthy and all that stuff.
I tore open the first pack and opened bottle #1. This horrible smell came out, kind of like old food that has been in the freezer way too long, only worse. I thought maybe it was the bottle, so I took a sip and it tasted just as bad, with an overpowering metallic taste. I wouldn't even give this stuff to my dog, or my plants for that matter. Being a concerned citizen, I promptly emailed the company, whom I'll call um.....CRYSTAL GEYSER. It took them a week to even answer my email, but they sounded very concerned and wanted me to call them so we could set up a time for them to collect a sample for testing to see what was wrong with it.
I called first thing this morning and was met by the droning voice of a woman who hates her job, hates me, and needs more coffee. She asked the date of my email and I thought we were getting somewhere. She would pull it up and read it in full. She would understand the gravity of the situation, the thousands of bottles they might have to recall, and thank me profusely for alerting them. "Uh, OK, well I need you to read me the code on the bottle above the expiration date."
She was already speaking faster in an effort to confuse me and make me hang up, but I perservered. I read the code and told her the expiration date of April 2008. "Ooooh, well, yeah, that's been sitting around in the store since APRIL, so it's going to taste old." I reminded her it isn't supposed to expire for two more years. No response.
"So, how are we going to get this to you so you guys can have a sample to test?" I asked.
"Oh, we don't need to test it. We haven't gotten any other complaints about that batch, so it's fine."
"But it's NOT fine. It stinks and tastes bad." I said.
"What probably happened is it was stored improperly, and some chemicals spilled on it in the store and it absorbed the smell. That's what you're tasting. I assure you it's PERFECTLY safe to drink." She instructed.
Huh? What? It's perfectly fine to ingest unknown chemicals? I was apparently silent for one second too long when she announced they'd send me some coupons as a good-will gesture. So I can buy more CRYSTAL GEYSER tainted bilge water.
I sent them another email, suggesting they keep their coupons. If I had the means, I'd take the water to an independent lab for testing. Anyone have a coupon?